Hey there, y'all. I done got two copies of the new Toby Keith album, American Ride in the mail, and considering even watching the above video for the lead single, which sounds something like a Glenn Beck stand-up routine you can line-dance to, made me simultaneously put a red-white-and-blue shotgun in my mouth and send my sister a racy Facebook message, I sure as tarnation ain't gonna listen to the rest of it.
So once again, you guys get the chance to win shit I don't want. To get your hands on a copy of TK's latest, just submit an essay of any length in the comments section below on one of the following topics:
-Why the Dixie Chicks must never, ever be forgiven.
-Why "putting a boot in your ass" has been "the American way" since the days of Benjamin Franklin.
-How to make three teeth look like six.
-How many beers you have to buy a horse to get it back to your double-wide.
-Charlie Daniels/Sarah Palin slash fiction. (Please do not submit this for the love of God.)
-Why Toby Keith is a pretty talented singer-songwriter who forever alienated liberal music critics with that ridiculous 9/11 song, and has now become a parody of himself by appealing to the worst aspects of his fanbase.
You can also submit an essay on any other topic of your choosing, just to prove to us elitist assholes that TK fans can actually write complete sentences.
The winner will be chosen Friday October 23, in honor of Gummo Marx's birthday.