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Grammy nominations are back, and more irrelevant than ever

The Grammy nominees were announced today, and yeah, the choices are lame, and MTV doesn't play videos anymore and grocery-store shopping carts always have one wheel out of whack and airline food is substandard. But seriously, folks, last year's pretty decent list gave us false hope. I can remember reading a review for Trail of Dead's Century of Self that semi-seriously predicted "Fields of Coal" would be the next song to be performed at the Grammy Awards ceremony with USC marching band, a la Radiohead.

But nobody making Grammy nominations knows who Trail of Dead is. I'm starting to doubt they even listen to music. I understand the late-as-hell nods to luminaries like Dylan and Byrne (though no amount of accolades for their late-period works will ever make up for the fact that you were giving awards to Barbra Streisand and Barry Manilow while these guys were writing history), but when you're seriously honoring Seal and the Pet Shop Boys in 2010, you should call it a day while you can still catch the early bird special in the sky.

It's almost to the point where winning a Grammy is a mild insult, like a "you no longer matter" certificate. These acts should probably start looking over their shoulders, then: Green Day, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye West, Kings of Leon, Jason Mraz. Just kidding, Jason, you never mattered to anyone. An incomplete list is below. Go here for all the classical music and other boring shit.

Record Of The Year
"Halo," Beyoncé Knowles
"I Gotta Feeling," The Black Eyed Peas
"Use Somebody," Kings Of Leon
"Poker Face," Lady Gaga
"You Belong With Me," Taylor Swift

Album Of The Year
I Am... Sasha Fierce, Beyoncé
The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas
The Fame, Lady Gaga
Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King, Dave Matthews Band
Fearless, Taylor Swift

Song Of The Year
"Poker Face," Lady Gaga
"Pretty Wings," Maxwell
"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)," Beyoncé
"Use Somebody," Kings Of Leon
"You Belong With Me," Taylor Swift

Best New Artist
Zac Brown Band
Keri Hilson
MGMT
Silversun Pickups
The Ting Tings

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
Hometown Glory, Adele
Halo, Beyoncé
Hot N Cold, Katy Perry
Sober, Pink
You Belong With Me, Taylor Swift

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
This Time, John Legend
Love You, Maxwell
Make It Mine, Jason Mraz
If You Don't Know Me By Now, Seal
All About The Love Again, Stevie Wonder

Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
I Gotta Feeling, The Black Eyed Peas
We Weren't Born To Follow, Bon Jovi
Never Say Never, The Fray
Sara Smile, Daryl Hall & John Oates
Kids, MGMT

Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals
Sea Of Heartbreak, Rosanne Cash & Bruce Springsteen
Love Sex Magic, Ciara & Justin Timberlake
Lucky, Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat
Baby, It's Cold Outside, Willie Nelson & Norah Jones
Breathe, Taylor Swift & Colbie Caillat

Best Pop Instrumental Performance
Besame Mucho, Herb Alpert
Throw Down Your Heart, Béla Fleck
The Fire, Imogen Heap
Phoenix Rise, Maxwell
Funk Joint, Marcus Miller

Best Pop Instrumental Album
In Boston, Chris Botti
Legacy, Hiroshima
Potato Hole, Booker T. Jones
Modern Art, The Rippingtons Featuring Russ Freeman
Down The Wire, Spyro Gyra

Best Pop Vocal Album
The E.N.D., The Black Eyed Peas
Breakthrough, Colbie Caillat
All I Ever Wanted, Kelly Clarkson
The Fray, The Fray
Funhouse, Pink

Best Dance Recording
Boom Boom Pow, The Black Eyed Peas
When Love Takes Over, David Guetta & Kelly Rowland
Poker Face, Lady Gaga
Celebration, Madonna
Womanizer, Britney Spears

Best Electronic/Dance Album
Divided By Night, The Crystal Method
One Love, David Guetta
The Fame, Lady Gaga
Party Rock, LMFAO
Yes, Pet Shop Boys

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
A Swingin' Christmas, Tony Bennett
Michael Bublé Meets Madison Square Garden, Michael Bublé
Your Songs, Harry Connick, Jr.
Liza's At The Palace, Liza Minnelli
American Classic, Willie Nelson

Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
Beyond Here Lies Nothin', Bob Dylan
Change In The Weather, John Fogerty
Dreamer, Prince
Working On A Dream, Bruce Springsteen
Fork In The Road, Neil Young

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
Can't Find My Way Home, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood
Life In Technicolor II, Coldplay
21 Guns, Green Day
Use Somebody, Kings Of Leon
I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight, U2

Best Hard Rock Performance
War Machine, AC/DC
Check My Brain, In Chains
What I've Done, Linkin Park
The Unforgiven III, Metallica
Burn It To The Ground, Nickelback

Best Metal Performance
Dissident Aggressor, Judas Priest
Set To Fail, Lamb Of God
Head Crusher, Megadeth
Señor Peligro, Ministry
Hate Worldwide, Slayer

Best Rock Instrumental Performance
A Day In The Life, Jeff Beck
Warped Sister, Booker T. Jones
Playing With Fire, Brad Paisley
Mr. Surfer Goes Jazzin', Brian Setzer Orchestra
Now We Run, Steve Vai

Best Rock Song
The Fixer, Pearl Jam
I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight, U2
21 Guns, Green Day
Use Somebody, Kings Of Leon
Working On A Dream, Bruce Springsteen

Best Rock Album
Black Ice, AC/DC
Live From Madison Square Garden, Eric Clapton & Steve Winwood
21st Century Breakdown, Green Day
Big Whiskey And The Groogrux King, Dave Matthews Band
No Line On The Horizon, U2

Best Alternative Music Album
Everything That Happens Will Happen Today, David Byrne & Brian Eno
The Open Door, Death Cab For Cutie
Sounds Of The Universe, Depeche Mode
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, Phoenix
It's Blitz!, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Best Rap Solo Performance
Best I Ever Had, Drake
Beautiful, Eminem
D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-Tune), Jay-Z
Day 'N' Nite, Kid Cudi
Casa Bey, Mos Def

Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Too Many Rappers, Beastie Boys & Nas
Crack A Bottle, Eminem, Dr. Dre & 50 Cent
Money Goes, Honey Stay, Fabolous & Jay-Z
Make Her Say, Kid Cudi, Kanye West & Common
Amazing, Kanye West & Young Jeezy

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Ego, Beyoncé & Kanye West
Knock You Down, Keri Hilson, Kanye West & Ne-Yo
Run This Town, Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West
I'm On A Boat, The Lonely Island & T-Pain
Dead And Gone, T.I. & Justin Timberlake

Best Rap Song
Best I Ever Had, Drake
Day 'N' Nite, Kid Cudi
Dead And Gone, T.I. & Justin Timberlake
D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-Tune)
Run This Town, Jay-Z, Rihanna & Kanye West

Best Rap Album
Universal Mind Control, Common
Relapse, Eminem
R.O.O.T.S., Flo Rida
The Ecstatic, Mos Def
The Renaissance, Q-Tip

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