Oh, I made so many. Maybe you did too. You can even read some of the ones I made in this other blog post. I tried to distract myself from having made these resolutions in that blog post by doin' a lot of trash talk about Medusa and people who talk about yoga and/or Burning Man and tauntauns and hovercrafts.
So what else is new.
So here's what I said I was gonna do:
1. Become more technically literate.
And you know what? I've sort of taught myself the rudiments of GarageBand, so I feel OK about that. HOWEVER, I also vowed to be able to post video on this here blog, and I still do not know how. Oh the things I could show you. Baby pandas sneezing, that scene from Half Baked wherein Scarface quits his burger-fliipping job by pointing at his co-workers and saying to each one "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" then pauses at a zany, weird-looking customer and decides, "you're cool" then "fuck you-s" one more dude and throws a burger at him.
Oh, and there's the Christian Side Hug rap, and that crazy video with the Italian guy singing in awesome fake English.
BUT CAN I SHOW YOU ANY OF THESE?
NO, I CANNOT.
Which reminds me, and not for the first time, that New Year's Resolutions are pretty much bullshit in my personal opinion. Have YOU ever read an astonishingly inspiring anecdote about somebody who changed her life — forever, and for the better — based on the ritualized, personal-improvement whims of Jan 1?
"I used to live in a culvert, lying in wait for passers-by so I could ambush, skin and eat them. I drank far too much sangria, also. My husband Claude complained that there was no zing in our sex life anymore, and I'd let my Greenpeace membership lapse. And frankly, I could also stand to lose a couple pounds."
"Then what happened, Joyce?"
"Well, last New Year's, I resolved to get me a muscle car, dress in evening wear pretty much all the time, skin and eat Claude, and erect a swingset made entirely of tomato cans. Also, I decided to lead that troupe of blind children up Everest. And I'll be damned if I didn't do it all!"
It's a very American practice, I think, to announce new beginnings and regimen changes arbitrarily, to exclaim "and now, I remake me into a wealthy and French-speaking AFTER photo who doesn't eat meat!"
Maybe it's our not having a frontier anymore--we pioneer and settle ourselves endlessly. New Year's Resolutions (and their failures) represent a collision of Americans' unrealistic idealism and our national torpor.
So, the other resolution I professed was:
2. Become more financially literate.
I have not done this yet. However, I've not renewed the lease on my too-expensive house, and am shacking up with my parents (!) until I find a more reasonably-priced place. See, I'd been living in a very cute and quaint 19th century limestone casita. It was an interesting experience, sort of like living in a Witte exhibit. Charming as all git-out, but the plumbing didn't really work, the kitchen wasn't all that user-friendly, my bed was in the living room, and there were holes in the floors that led directly outdoors. It was constantly me against nature. At night in the summertime (the house, by the way, was well-nigh impossible to keep either cool, or warm), if I turned on the back patio light, I could see stately swarms of cucarachas lording it over the dirt yard like bison herds of old on the Great Plains. And I was paying A LOT for this.
So there's one expense knocked down. Yet I still spend too much dough on stuff like makeup, coffee, cocktails and lunches out. Time to make a budget.
The third resolution was in. re. Current improvements, still underway. So we'll see how that goes.
My point is, I guess, that if you, like me, made New Year's resolutions and haven't been keeping them with the vigilance and vigor you'd intended... dude. C'mon. New Year's Resolutions are a set-up for failure. Shame, failure, and NutriSystem commercials.
So I guess maybe just declaim some New Years' hopes next time, if you want, then make a little progress here and there in those general directions, and feel as good about that as you can. Get outside yourself a little, help somebody out. You could start by explaining to me how to put videos on here.