The RIAA can seriously shut the hell up now

Recession what? According to a press release I just got, the soundtrack to Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel has qualified for gold record status (meaning it has sold at least 500,000 copies) after spending four consecutive weeks at the top of Billboard's soundtrack chart.

According to the press release:

The second angel sounded his trumpet, and something like a huge mountain, all ablaze, was thrown into the sea. A third of the sea turned into blood, a third of the living creatures in the sea died, and a third of the ships were destroyed.

Whoops, my bad. That's an excerpt from John's description of the Apocalypse. The actual press release sounds a lot worse:

Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack features The Chipmunks and The Chipettes covering some of today’s top hits and classic tracks as well as original songs. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore put their spins on Dead Or Alive’s “You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)” and the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive.” The Chipettes also offer ‘munked versions of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” and Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold.” The soundtrack concludes with The Chipmunks and The Chipettes coming together for a memorable cover of The Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling,” a special bonus track that is not featured in the film.

What's worse — the idea of CGI rodents singing Katy Perry and Black Eyed Peas covers in shrill cartoon voices, or the use of 'munked as a verb? Yes I realize that people are buying this album for their children, who don't yet know how to pretend to have better taste in music — that's not the point I'm making. The point is that the government should be taking these people's children away from them. If they'd followed my advice and sterilized all the Black Eyed Peas fans back when "My Humps" came out, this probably never would have happened.

In related news, the RIAA has decided to stop siccing their team of attorneys on people illegally downloading music and will instead have them scouring the sewers for the millions of dollars they now assume American consumers are wiping their asses with everyday.