Trinity Prez vows to crush water bottles underfoot

Greg Harman
gharman@sacurrent.com

First City Manager Sheryl Sculley came for the refined sugar, and I said nothing. Then the City Council declared war on tobacco smoke, and I was silent. But at last someone has hit upon the environmental “sin” I may despise most of all — the plastic water bottle.

In a move that guarantees decades of fictitious personal claims of Trinity University alumnihood by yours truly, TU President Dannie* Ahlburg has ordered the school’s departments to stop the inane practice of purchasing the plastic-wrapped delusion.

In a prepared release, a Trinity communications employee suggested Ahlburg had declared students and faculty could no longer continue to chug imported water in toxic shells and still be considered the sort of people he’d like to "hang with." That’s the way I think they intended it to read, anyway. While there will still be water bottles in the vending machines, the student council is rumored to be exploring social shaming strategies, such as mandated “planet killer” sandwich boards, to force a final and lasting change in student body behavior. (That one-shoulder backpack thing just isn't enough anymore, it seems.)

When it comes to transforming campus culture into one that respects the planet (despite her finicky and limited resources) Trinity is right out in front among SA’s schools. Past President John R. Brazil joined a carbon-reduction movement in 2007 gathering signatures among U.S. college and university dons/donnas. Two years ago, the campus was recognized for its waste-stream reduction efforts.

Now, the everything-poisoning plastic bottle, the contents of which have been shown to be no better than typical tap water anyway, has come under the gun up on the hill.

So Reads the Statement:
 

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